I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
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Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]