When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
You Might Also Like
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge