Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
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Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Just how popey was the pope today?
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20