*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
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Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.