*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
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if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat