welp
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My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.