Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
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My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”