I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
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Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.