Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
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Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here