I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
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I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”