[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
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Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!