i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
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My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.