Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
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I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.