The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
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*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.