Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
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Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores