It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
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me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!