Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
You Might Also Like
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.