Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
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My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.