My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
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I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.