Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
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“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants