I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
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JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
My Guy
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Don’t talk down to me
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.