If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
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We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Best seat on the street 😍
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.