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My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
😂😂😂
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway