My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
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Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
I don’t make the rules sorry
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.