“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
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Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
My neck, my back, my…
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.