Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
💁🏻♂️
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping