Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
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[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!