“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
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It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.