Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
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people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?