Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
You Might Also Like
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge