“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
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throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
San Francisco has too many rules
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”