Jurassic park gets weird
You Might Also Like
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Pass gas, not judgment.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”