me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
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My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I love wikipedia
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel