I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
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Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Oh my god
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too