“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
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If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Holy moly
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many