{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
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me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”