Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
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Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”