new year update: losing everything but weight
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[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.