Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
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God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Mornin
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”