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Expectations vs. Reality
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People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.