I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
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Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Tammy is short for Tamuel
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.