Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
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9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
no
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf