money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
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An amish party in the desert called churning man.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
i’m still crying at this
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Whoa 😂
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.