what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
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just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot