(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
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I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
some things should go without saying
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.