Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
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We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Note to self: I am a note
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either