[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
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no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I did not eat the cake…
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Meanwhile in Portland…
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.