“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
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In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.