Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
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On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!