Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
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There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.